Fear and a Sovereign God

While on my honeymoon with my dear wife *whom is a blessing from the Lord* we decided to go shopping one morning.  I the midst of that shopping i noticed the taste of blood in my mouth (this had been happening for about 3 days).  At this point I was injected with fear.  “What ifs” flew around my head like locust storming a field, my head was cloudy.  I asked my dear wife to pray for me to fight this fear, though the prayer was not in vain, we thought it smart to head to the hospital.  We drove to the hospital where the symptoms starting becoming more real as I spoke about them.  Almost as if I spoke them to creation with every syllable that dripped out of my  mouth.  The fear became more real.  I was being plugged in left in and right with rubbery things and needles, I felt like a lab rat.  The pain in my heart was being intensified with the faster beating, the pain in my chest was becoming more of a brick on my chest, and the blood…well the taste of blood is never fun.  They took me to a room and in that room my mind started playing tricks on me.  Voices I’ve heard before came back to life and brought along friends.  My feet shook and my body could not stay still no matter what I tried.  My sweet wife sung hymns as we both prayed out to our Father (this moment was monumental in our relationship) The doctor came in and said they will be checking for two things “A blood clot in your lungs or Cancer”.  My spirit went numb…my legs stopped shaking, my hands went cold, and my eyes could not connect with anything…or anyone…I WAS AFRAID.  They then proceeded to prepare me for my cat scan and took me to the room.  I remember my wife smiling with misty eyes, and I remember saying this…”The Lord works things out for the good of those whom he has loved”

After the cat scan I returned to the room with no fear, but constantly repeating Isaiah 41:10, Romans 8, Psalm 27, all scriptures against fear and dismay.  I was at peace…shalom.  See the difference between peace and shalom is this: Peace offers comfort in that instant, and will be shattered with the next trial.  Shalom offers peace in the fact that Jesus is KING! No matter what the situation Jesus is our comfort! That is shalom! Thats what I felt.  The doctor came in after what seemed weeks (it was about an hour or so) and said things looked clear and that I had a bad peptic ulcer.  For the days to come fear still seemed to dominate my every morning and my every night. I went to the hospital again for bleeding where they sucked out some blood from a tube going through my nose.  The feeling of this was disturbing…I was then sent to another doctor who then scheduled and endoscopy where they found that I have whats called GERD.  Along with that I have gastritis and a hatial hernia.  They prescribed medication and I still have yet to go to the doctor to see the full extent of it.  Physically I feel better…mentally I am a mess.

Fighting the fear of death has been the biggest battle of my life that I have faced now twice.  See the thing about fear is that it does not come alone it comes with a myriad of symptoms.  Symptoms such as depression, anxiety and many more.  The Lord gives us a specific command in the gospels and all over the old testament.  In fact, it is one of the most used, if not the most used commandment in scripture…”FEAR NOT” and its never given as a “im looking down on you right now” statement. It in fact is given as a “im by your side. The Lord tells Joshua “Fear not for I am with you” as to comfort him! Here is the comfort that we have…The fact that God is King, Jesus is Lord, and the Spirit dwells within to provide shalom! This is my battle, but this war has been won! I wear my breastplate with honor, my helmet with joy, my feet are ready, my belt is fastened, my shield is lifted, and my sword…well…I am happy to swing my sword! Prayer is not to be left behind, it is the forefront of everything.  So, this is not a wall where I get to ask, but a stepping stone to be closer to my daddy…

The outcome of whatever is going on is still up in the air, but here are 3 truths I know to be absolute:

>Jesus is alive

>Jesus is king

>I am his

Today, fear not for he is with you!

Psalm 27 “The Lord is the light and my salvation of whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?”